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7/14

sometimes giving in is all i want to do
surrender and just cross over to the dark side
let this monster within me die

I remember all of it, there wasn't a second forgotten this time
"Give me your name-tag and clock out. I'm really disappointed in you Lauren."
I fought back the tears showed no emotion my face was blank and empty. My heart pounded, I'm sure he could hear it. Push the door open, I heard it close behind me, no shutter. Push the door open, walk the short hall, next door.
"Hey guys." With a smile on my face they had no idea what was happening as this feeling spread within me like a disease. I looked for my card scanning down the rows, "Lauren Keller" my name was written in sharpie so I could never find it it was so faded. -swipe- 'Accepted, Lauren Keller.' I take in a deep breath. "Goodbye guys!" "Bye Lauren!"
They didn't know that was the last time they were going to see me, but I did. I looked hard at them, tried to remember their faces. I remember them, at least the ones that meant something to me.
Door. Short Hallway. Door.
I passed customer service. "Bye Kristen." "Bye Lauren."
Diagonal, left, straight, right, straight.
"Bye Brett." "Peace out Lauren."
Straight, right.
"Bye Helin, bye Christian!."
I was going to miss them the most, Helin started three days before me. Christian trained me, and Helin always had my back, taught me what she knew and gave me a quarter when I was short. Took my hours when I needed her to, and I always did the same for her too. A strong 24 year old woman married with one beautiful little girl. She's one of those rare good people left in the world.
"Bye Lauren!" "Peace out girl!"
I got my keys out. I was walking fast now, dropped em' picked them up, kept walking.
I opened my door, put the key in the ignition. Nelly started, radio low. Turned it up, 8 mile Eminem. He always helped, but this time it wasn't enough. I backed up, sped my way out of the parking lot.
Text.
Reply.
Left U turn.
Text.
Reply.
Red light. Rummaging through my bag pulled out the box cutter. I got it from work that day too, pre-fire. Ironic. Thoughts racing through my mind, flash back, words echoing within my head. I'm such a fuck up. What's wrong with me? Why do I always manage to fuck everything up? Why am I so pathetic? Fuck this shit. Fuck this. Give me release now, I need it now. I need to let it out. There was no one who could save me at that point, I was way past help. I was long gone.
-Slit-
It was only the first one too. Left Wrist.
-Green light-
I looked down at my split open wrist, I could see it, bone and all. Flesh bleeding, veins and that bright white color people only see in the movies. It was clear, and it was on me this time.
"Oh fuck Lauren, not again." I've seen it all before. The blood, the flesh, the muscle. The bone was new though. So I knew what I had to do, I didn't want to do it, but I had no choice. I wasn't really ready to die anyway, I had plans that week, and I couldn't break them. (And if had things to look forward to, I wouldn't kill myself.)
So I made another U turn, down Jericho heading towards Winthrop hospital, they knew me there. I didn't have time to go home explain then be driven so it was all up to me at that point. I steered with my left hand and held my wrist with the right. There was no easing the pool of blood pouring from my wrist. Bloody steering wheel, bloody shirt, bloody pants, bloody seat, bloody Nelly. Stop light, I lowered the window, my hand couldn't hold anymore so I let the blood pour out of my hand from the window. White car covered in blood, I'm classy.
I wasn't even crying, I didn't cry the first time, at least not from the pain. I guess I cried then because I didn't know what to do, but this time, I knew what to do. I knew from experience, no hesitating this time. This was deeper than before, so my chances of making it were slimmer than before.
Green light -Go- I wasn't even speeding, nor was I panicking. Regular drive, casual, nothing was going on from the outside. No screaming inside, just the sound of my breath shortening, the sound of the blood trickling down my arm and dripping onto my pants.
Going straight was fine, no problems.
Red light. Fuck, now I have to make a left, but I had an arrow. The left turns weren't as hard as the rights because I had an arrow, right turns no arrow. Green light -Go- I made it, that was pretty cool.
-Stop sign-
I made a full stop too, I never make full stops. Was I stalling? I couldn't tell you. I kept going, stopping at the red lights, slowing down on the yellow, and passing by the greens.
Almost there, just a little bit further. This is going to be awkward isn't it.
Last time this happened I was in an ambulance, closed off, I couldn't see where we were going no sense of direction. Back then I was panicking because I was being pounded with questions, no hand I was allowed to hold. Strapped down in a stretcher.
I made my last right turn, heading straight "Emergency Entrance"
That was me alright. I pulled in, but the parking lot was closed off with those yellow and black caution signs. What the fuck? Fuck this. I pulled up right next to the entrance no more than twenty feet away. I opened the car door, keys still in the ignition.
I stood up, my ripped open arm down, I raised my right hand. I could barely see the people in the distance, they were probably just getting some air away from all the sick people, I guess I fucked that up for them.
"I need a little....assistance... kind of soon..."
An old man stood up from then bench, started walking over to me, long gray hair pulled back in a pony tail, he was probably in his late fifties. He squinted his eyes, started walking faster towards me. No more than five feet away he looked down at my wrist.
"Oh fuck." He said covering his mouth. "Umm, I'll take care of your car, go into the hospital, you're going to be okay kid."
Awesome, now that my car is taken care of I can go inside.
I started walking towards the entrance, brace yourself...
I see the far too familiar white halls, it's a quick left when you get in, I remember that. I pass by a police man, he passes by me then quickly turns around seeing that I'm leaving behind a trail of blood. Dirtying the hospital, god I'm such an asshole. I see all the people with tears in their eyes waiting in the waiting room, one women wearing sun glasses, I think I might have given her a dirty look, it was 9:45 at night, and you are most certainly not a baller, so you totally are not allowed to wear sunglasses at night.
The guy in that typical hospital attire came over to me, "Oh shit." "Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot lately." "Ummm... come sit here."
They put me in a wheel chair even though I was quite capable of walking. It's weird, I'm always the one pushing people in the wheel chair, I didn't like the switch. They put gauze over my wound. "Press down okay?"
"Okay." This I already knew and I was doing so even when he told me. I smiled.
Everybody was staring at me, a mother covered her daughter's eyes. That hurt. People couldn't bare to look at me, even the adults looked away. That's when that wave came crashing down, looking in their eyes, I could read all of their thoughts too, it was too over whelming at that point. I let go, I started to cry, I think I even screamed a little bit too. They pushed me back into this room, in the doorway, make me less visible to the others.
Surrounded by nurses in those ugly colored uniforms. Nobody in white coats yet. This when they pound me with questions.
"We're you trying to kill yourself?"
"What's your name?"
"How old are you?"
"What's your blood type?"
"Where do you live?"
"Are you high?"
"Have you done this before?"
"Did you take your medicine today?"
"Did you consume any alcohol today?"
"Where are your parents?"
"Who's here with you?"
"How did you get here?"
"How did you drive yourself here?"
"What medicine are you on?"
"What's your doctor's name?"
"How much do you take?"
"Do you want us to call your parents?"
"Do you want to call your parents?"
"Why did you do this?"
I was used to all of those questions, I was answering before the next question left their mouth, but once they asked me why.... that was when they went too far. I'm sure they were curious as fuck, but I'm pretty sure that that wasn't relevant at the time. Now I was angry. I stood up.
"What are you doing Lauren?"
"I don't want to be here anymore."
"Lauren, sit back down." I said nothing. "Lauren, sit back down."
They all looked at me then looked at each other. There was no way I was walking out of the hospital at that point, and I know if I threw a fit I won't be walking out of this hospital anytime soon. I sat back down.
"Okay John, take her up."
"Alright Johnny, let's go on up and get this shit fixed."
We strolled on up to the elevator, passing by rooms full of old people that smelt bad. The elevator doors opened up and a man was lying on a stretcher in front of me, he was then pushed out by two men, then I was pushed in. Floor two I think, I could be wrong.
I was then let into the emergency rooms. Now this room I recognized. Room nine I was in last time. Everybody staring at me, I saw a kid no older than me with his foot in a cast with his little brother sitting next to him, he was laughing about something, but then his eyes met mine and he stopped.
Room one, this is where they put those IV things in my arms... still being pounded with questions.
"Marina, get her a gown please."
"Sure."
She came back in no more than a minute later. "Here you go."
My arm being wrapped up tightly by two different people. I didn't know it took more than one person to wrap up a wrist. Now this is when the tall man with gelled back hair and that white jacket walks in.
"Hello Lauren, I'm doctor so-and-so, what happened here?"
"I cut myself."
"Well, I see that, on what?"
"No, I cut myself."
"Oh, with what?"
"A box cutter."
"That's a dangerous tool, Lauren."
"No shit."
"Okay well, you're going to stay here with Darrel and we're gonna go call Dr. Becker."
"Awesome."
"Hi, I'm Darrel."
"Lauren."
"What happened with you girl?"
"I got fired."
"No job is worth your life girl, come on now, you know that."
"I wasn't trying to kill myself..."
Him and I went through what happened, 'shit's tough' he said. He didn't try to tell me things were going to be okay, he just talked to me, about life, about what happened, about his future. If there had been no cut on my wrist the conversation wouldn't have been much different.
Another nurse walks in.
"Lauren I need a urine sample."
"Why?"
"Just to check if there's blood in your urine, run some quick tests."
"Okay."
"Here." She said handing me a small cup, "you're gonna go with Adriana into the bathroom and then you just give it to her when you're done."
"She's coming in with me?"
"You're not allowed to be left alone now sweetie."
"Oh fun, I always loving peeing while somebody else is two feet away from me."

"Hi, I'm Adriana."
"Hi, Adriana, you ready to come hear me pee?"
"I've waited my whole life for this moment."
"Me too, I'm so excited, like this might even be diary worthy."
We walked into the bathroom together. I was wearing two gown wrapped around me one to cover my front, the other to cover my ass, and not to mention some medicine on a stroller following me, and if it got too far from me it could rip part of my arm out. Exciting, I know.
I made her sing Happy Biirthday to me. I had to convince her, but eventually she caved in. She sang, or rather, spoke the words awkwardly, but I could only expect so much from this poor chick.
"Done."
"Okay, you can go back to your room now."
"Thanks mom."
She smiled.
Back into the room I went.
Darrel and I spoke some more.
"Here he comes."
"Who?"
A short chubby man walks in the door, casual attire balding grey hair brushed back, a nice smile and small glasses.
"Hello Lauren, I'm Doctor Becker."
"What up."
"So what happened here."
"Shit."
"Let's take a look shall we?"
"Go for it."
He starts to unravel the bandage around my wrist. He removes the drenched gauze and looks down as a pool of blood starts to leak from where the cut starts and ends.
"That's pretty impressive."
"Thanks..." As I thought, what does that even mean?
"Well, are you ready to get started?"
"I'm as ready as I'll ever be."
"Good."
"This is going to hurt, but just remember to breathe."
I knew this pain, this has happened before. This shit hurt more than the action of actually slitting my wrist. The needles enter my flesh and release this numbness it hurt so bad. I laid down on the hospital bed left arm stretched out lying on the operating table while I curl up holding myself.
"Needle one."
I squirmed all over the place, he was being so ruff, and believe it or not, I can feel pain, and I don't enjoy it. He rubbed iodine in my cut so carelessly, I could still feel it too.
"Needle two."
That one hurt more than the first one, holy fuck. And this time around, I didn't even have a necklace to cling to. The first time I was there, I had my hello kitty necklace dangling from my neck, it was a gift from my best friend Caroline and not for a second did it leave my tightly gripped fingers. But this time around, nothing to cling to, no hand to hold, nothing.
"Needle three."
I picked up my phone from the stand next to me, it might have been about one in the morning at this time. I just pressed send I didn't even know who I was calling, it was Caroline, the rings took forever and I just needed to hear a comforting voice. The first time, no answer, nothing. Three seconds later I pick up the phone.
"Caroline?"
"Yeah, what's wrong Lauren, are you ok?"
"Caroline I have to tell you something, but I don't want you to get upset, I'm okay, I just need you to stay calm."
I knew she would have been here in five minutes even I told her not to.
"Okay?"
"I'm in the hospital right now, getting my wrist stitched up as we speak."
"Oh my god Lauren what happened?"
I went on about my story as the doctor continued to stitch up my wrist. Rolling back and fourth on the table, it wasn't over, it took too long. He seemed to have been enjoying it too.
"Alright Lauren, you better call me in the morning you promise me?"
"Yes Caroline."
"I love you so much, Lauren."
"I love you too Carol."
*click*

"We're finished here."
"What?"
I looked down, there was my wrist covered in blood, iodine and stitches.
"How many this time doc?"
"Fifty."
"Fifty? That's fourteen more than last time!"
"Yupp."
"Awesome."
"Alright Lauren, I'll be seeing you in one week, okay?"
"Alright, I'll see you then, thank you."
"No problem, feel better Lauren."
"Thanks, goodnight!"
"Night."

Darell then put a cast on my arm and wrapped it tightly around my wrist.
I ripped my tendon so I'm required to go to occupational therapy, yay even more therapy and more bills to pay.
That's when they moved me to my room. I couldn't sleep. Nobody to hear me, no paper to write on. I wasn't allowed to sleep in the room by myself. So I didn't sleep at all. Four in the morning.... Five in the morning.... Six in the morning.... Seven...Eight...Nine....
Switch.
Darell then left as a new girl came in as my patients started to run out.
They said that the psychiatrist would see me by eleven.
If only he saw me by eleven.
I don't have time to wait around for this asshole. I have shit to do tomorrow.
"I'm going to go out in the middle of that hallway and throw a fucking bitch fit until he gets his fucking ass down here."
"Lauren, do you want to get out of here or do you want them to take you away?"
"If they want to keep me here they're going to have to strap me down, I'm getting the fuck out of this hospital one way or another even if I have to deck a bitch."
"Lauren, they'll call security and there' no way you'll make it all the way out."
"Yes, I will. They won't be strong enough to hold me down."
"That's what they're hired for Lauren, they're going to do it, and they may even drug you to knock you out, do you really want that to happen? Because I know I wouldn't."
"You're not me, I'm going to get the fuck out of here with or without permision."
"Lauren stop it, you know you're being unrealistic, just sit tight honey, he'll becoming soon."
We both knew she was lying, I would do anything to shut me up too if I were her.
"Fine."

Ring, ring, ring.
"Hello."
"Hey sweetie."
"Hey ma."
"How're you doing?"
"I'm pissed off, this asshole psychiatrist isn't here yet and it's like 11:30."
"Well, we want to come see you, we're leaving soon."
"Ma please don't come, I don't want you guys to see me in here."
"Lauren we're coming."
"Ma, please don't."
"Daddy and smack are only going to be staying for a little while, just me and Jenny are going to be staying with you."
"Mom, please don't. I don't want Smack to see me in the hospital. And what about Jenny? You know she's going to cry."
"I know sweetie, but they want to see you. We're coming soon."
"Mom, please don't?"
"Lauren, we're coming."
"Fine!"
I hung up. I wish she could learn how to listen to me and respect my wishes instead of completely disregarding them, but if it were Jenny I would walk to come see her if I had to. I wish they didn't come I didn't want anybody to see me like this.
"Hey!!!!!!!!"
My mother and sister walked in the room, I didn't know what to do, be happy or tell her that i didn't want her to come. Then a few seconds later walked in my Father and Smack.
Jenny ran over to my bed and jumped on me. I wasn't ready for that.
"Lauren, you're such a dumbass sometimes."
"Thanks Jen, I know."
"Good, now shut up and hug me."
She clung to my body like I died in her arms or something, so tight someone my have to her pull her off of me. I couldn't breathe, but I don't think she really cared.
"Jenny.... can't... breathe..."
"Shut up."
"Okay."
Nothing I could say would get her off of me so I dealt with it.
My mother sitting on the little couch that is probably harder than the floor. Smack standing at the end of my bed and my Father standing on the other side of my bed. Smack didn't know what to say, but I love him anyway. My father stood next to me and just looked down at me, he looked sad. This was the second time he had to come see me lie in a hospital bed, and he stayed with me all night until they operations were done. Thankfully this time nobody saw my wrist split open but me and the doctors.
I remember the first time I was in the hospital, one glance and he almost puked. He ended up stumble backwards into his seat. Poor dad, sorry you had to see that.
"Laur-whore."
"Smack!"
"So, how was your day?"
"Fabulous, you know, chillin' in a hospital with a bunch of ugly bitches."
"Oh typical day in Lauren's life."
"Ya know."
He always knew how to make me smile even though I don't think he ever really thought about that, but I know I do. Such a simple kid and he doesn't have to do anything and he still makes me smile.
My mother sitting with tissues in hand, this one was always difficult for her, but this time it's even worse because she's actually next to me in the hospital instead of under my ear on the phone.
Soon after their arrival Smack and my Father departed then there were two.
Jenny fell asleep on me while watching Aladdin my mother just sat there in deep thought. They came to see me, but I feel like I had to take care of them. They were the ones hurt, I didn't feel anything.
"Did it hurt?" They both asked in curiosity.
"No, at least... I don't think so."
I never really felt anything in those moments, that's why I could drag the blades across my skin, it didn't matter how many times, how deep, where, how big.... I just kept going until I couldn't go anymore, but this time it only took one shot.
Hours and hours go by, Jenny twisting and turning in my arms, my mother sitting impatient, she hates to see me with that fake smile and those empty laughs and what she hates most is that I'm the one making her laugh, not her making me laugh.
Finally, it's eight o'clock at night and the overweight bald fat guy with glasses walks in the room with a sweater that looks like the sewing machine blew up and produced a pile of ugly threads and he just so happened to find it on his bed this morning then later ended up on his back.
"Hello."
"Oh thank god." My mother said under her breath, but I totally heard it.
"How're we doing this evening?"
"Are you the psychiatrist?"
"Yes mam I am, you must be Lauren."
"Yes, and you must be late, oh no, wait you ARE late. So nice to finally meet you doctor."
"Haha, you're a funny one."
"Oh you have no idea."
"I apologize for the delay there have been emergencies all over the hospital this morning."
"Weird, because I got here last night and I thought doctors see to the patients as they come in to the hospital."
"Well, I just need to do an evaluation session with you."
"Shall we then?"
"We shall, if the two of you could excuse us?"
"Sure, come on Jenny."
"Bye Laur-Laur have fun."
"Oh yeah, loads of fun."
They both stood up and walked out both glancing back and me and then they closed the door behind them and let me alone with that cold bald fat doctor.
"So Lauren, why don't you tell me what happened last night."
I told him everything that happened. The whole nine-yards. Therapy, psychotherapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, group, at home exercises, I told him almost everything, the more you talk the sooner they let you out they say.
I couldn't really tell you if I was lying because I had places to go and because they would have had to drag me to the ward or was it the truth? i really don't know, I spoke, he wrote.
"Okay well, thank you very much Lauren it was very nice meeting you."
"So what's my diagnonsense?"
"Your what?"
"Diagnonsese? You know, your observations about me, what's my problem... you know..."
"Well, I think you're a very bright girl Lauren, very very intelligent and extremely intuitive you just need to learn how to deal with your problems in a more healthy manner."
"Wow, now I feel so much better, all of my problems are solved."
"They can be, if you want them to be bad enough, it's in your hands Lauren, I'm letting you go. But, just know that if I see you back in here again, it'll be longer than twenty-four hours, I can promise you that."
"Thanks Doc."
"I hope you get better Lauren, keep up a positive attitude, I have faith that one day you will get better and you'll be able to live a life with out suffering from such a terrible addiction."
"Hey doc?"
"Yeah?"
"What's worse, alcoholics, drug addicts, or cutters?"
"They're all addiction no matter which way you put it, they each find there way into our lives and if we don't try to reverse our bad habits as soon as possible, they may end up killing you."
"Thanks doc."
"No problem, feel better Lauren."

I got to leave the hospital that night, I came home and buried myself in my bed, crawled up in a ball cried until I could barely breathe. What will I do now.... all the thoughts running through my mind, over-exhausted. That night I cried myself to sleep either that or I passed out , but I still woke up the next morning.
Cry yourself to sleep.
Drive yourself up the fucking wall.
That's what they want to see anyway.

Scream until you lose it,
rip out all your hair...
no one fucking cares.

Keep pushing,
Keep pushing,
you're getting closer right?

What was that?
Not close enough?
You want some more?

Take this.
satisfied yet?

It's gonna keep going you know,
and it's never gonna stop.
Stop questioning.

Just take it.
Stop fighting.
Accept it.

It will only hurt more if you continue to fight it.
Now quit your struggling.
Stay still and close your eyes.

Now listen, and listen closely.
You're gonna sit still and be quiet,
one move and I promise you.....

respect

I'm getting really fucking sick of seeing people treat their mothers and fathers... (some) like shit. They fucking carried you for NINE MONTHS!!!! Say, thank you. Be fucking appreciative. Be respectful. Know your fucking limits. Don't curse at your parents. Love your parents, they love you. (hopefully..)


They drive you places, they give you a place to live, they provide you with food, with rides, with money, with comfort! At least most parents do... hopefully. Stop treating them like shit.... they're not lower than you. They brought you into this world. Do not kill the fucking creator. I know I used to be unappreciative and disrespectful, but I learned my lesson. The sooner the better. When you start communicating with your parents instead of arguing and fighting and bitching at them... things go a lot smoother. Try it, it may take a while... but fucking try it. Your parents deserve all the respect in the world from you, give it to them. And I know, I'm seventeen.... maybe I learned faster than others or maybe even slower... but I'm still seeing people my age and older treating their parents like shit. God, fucking grow up. Your parents are people too. Stop being a spoiled little bitch and start learning about respect.

truth

We only get in trouble for the telling the truth. All we get is shit for trying. Yeah, you can say you're proud, but words don't fucking mean shit anymore. It's always about whose right, whose wrong. Who did what to whom, who said what.... what'd they say? Whose gonna make her feel like shit next?

It's all going back. We're taking it back to nine months ago. There is no shunning me anymore. There will be no more getting to me anymore. There will be nothing to share. There will be no more sympathy. Don't try to comfort anymore, it won't fucking work. It's all of your fault, you guys took it too far. Now it's back to square one. It was all about the fucking progress, I cried so many tears. I tried, I really did....and it just wasn't working. I wish it did.. I opened up and I tried your fucking exercises, your methods. It didn't fucking work, did it? How dare you advertise people. As if they're the key. There is no one person in the world good enough anymore. It's been accepted. I'm fine. Don't bother. Don't waste your fucking breath. Your only hurting yourself.

I can admit it all now, I know not think I know who I am. I am everything everybody hates. I'm too loud, too aggressive - too passive. Too honest. Too strong, too weak. I'm too selfish, I'm too selfless. I'm too bitchy. I'm too obnoxious. I'm too spoiled. I'm too stubborn, too proud, and just too much. I've accepted it all, I know. Don't get involved anymore, I can promise you all that it isn't worth it. Push me out and I promise I won't cry anymore.

What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.

Ruined

It really disgusts me how pathetic humans can be. If you're seventeen and you still need your mother to hold your hand as you cross the street -I hope when she isn't there you get hit by a fucking car. It truly puzzles me as to why people even get involved in the first place. Go fuck yourself. I don't understand how you can possibly grasp the idea that your life was the one that was ruined when you were the one that became best friends with my EX best friend and not to mention coming seconds away from having sex with the guy I was in love with for ONLY three YEARS. You aren't strong enough to defend yourself. Nor do you understand what it means to be miserable. You're pathetic.

Drummergurl986: Do you really believe that I was key to ruining your life?
Metalmistress356: I do. if i didn't i wouldn't have said it.

You have no idea what it means to have your life ruined, but I hope one day you feel the pain. I take pride in the title of ruining your life. I really do, but I wish you had a legitimate reason for me as to how I did it. I may never know because you're so wrapped up in being miserable. I really hope that one day somebody beats the fucking shit out of you with a bat...and you wake up and realize that your life is miserable because you chose to make it that way.

Fuck you.

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